During this period of strife, uncertainty, depression, and angst, I have been encouraged to take up journaling again. Honestly, I’m not sure what that process looks like anymore. There are so many thoughts and ideas in my head and, I have no idea where to put or how to organize them. From a certain perspective, the honesty of them is scary. Not only are the thoughts scary but so is the blank page. I do not have any idea if I have anything worth saying or expressing in a public format. I suppose it doesn’t need to be in or for the public. But then what is this space, this website for? I have spent a lot of time, effort, and finances crafting this space into what it is. I regret nothing about the process. I am proud of what I created here. Now comes the difficult part, using it for its intended purpose, to help a confused, lost, and sometimes angry individual process the world around him in order to gain insight. I have done the straightforward part, designing and maintaining this space. Now, for the challenging part, content creation. Content can be include several subjects, topics, or ideas. What I have listed on the home page are, in my estimation, the broad categories of content I will be creating.
“Will”. It’s an interesting word, don’t you think? It suggests conviction. A word that is definitive and without question. A word with purpose. It does not say, “I might” or, “it could”. It says, “Yes, this will happen”. Is that what I just indicated? Did I just commit to writing, exploring, and actively searching the world through the written word? There is no maybe in the word “will”. Without even meaning to, through the process of free writing, I suggested this space will no longer be dormant or unused. It will instead become alive with renewed purpose.
In its original incarnation, Active Musing had the tag line where confusion meets insight. In fact, it still does. Perhaps it means more than ever in my current state. Perhaps it has even more meaning than I once intended. Active Musing has always meant a great deal to me. It has always personally suggested the search for meaning; the search for truth. It has always been a personal attempt to make sense out of a world that makes very little sense. An attempt to make sense of the weights titled hurt, anger, and anguish, trying to find hope in the black of midnight. Yet, this space, this blog, has remained unused and baron until now. Sure, there have been starts and restarts to the exploratory process. However, where was the conviction then? Where is the conviction now? Will it stay, or will it evaporate as it has before? I do not have I definitive answer.
What I can say is writing, like any other skill takes time, effort, and energy to master. Anything worth doing is not easy. Certainly, this road I am on has not been easy, especially over the last few months. It has been full of peaks and valleys; pot holes, and smooth road. With little doubt, as the last month and a half has unfolded, it has been one lengthy pot hole that has shaken me in a way I have not been shaken before. I have questioned and continue to question the direction of my existence in both scary and real ways. At this stage, I can say I have no answers for what the future holds. The foundation from which I build the last five or six years has been found to be quicksand, not bedrock. The only foundation I now have is my faith, family, and friends. All others have either crumbled or are crumbling.
So, I sit here, listening to music with figurative pen to page, writing my thoughts as they come. Free writing. If this entry seems disjointed. This is the reason. Frequently I have assigned free writing has homework exercises to clients, knowing its power. Yet, I have rarely taken up the exercise. I do not know what it was about today. It could have been the challenge I was given to use this site for more than window dressing early in the week. It could have been that the writing software I am using (Scrivener) finally came out of its beta form in the last two weeks. It could have been I have begun to feel tired of simply existing. Or perhaps it was a combination of all the above that finally spurred me on to write in more than just spurts or wisps. Whatever the case, this is now something of substance in over a year being published.
I still have ambitions of writing creatively. I know there will be creative pieces also published in this space. However, those will take more time than simple mind dumps, such as this. There is, however, value in articles or journals such as this. It gives come clarity where once there was fog. I will not say I am clear of mind or in absolute clarity. What I will say is some of the cobwebs have been cleaned by the very act of writing. For how long, I do not know. Some have said the clarity only lasts a few minutes after the writing session has been completed. Others say it lasts a significant chunk of time. I have no idea. However, I believe it is fair to say, the more commitment is had to the free writing process, the easier it is to maintain that clarity.
Does that mean I am committed to daily writing, no. I think I would overwhelm myself if I were to commit to that sort of writing from the outset. However, with that said, there will (as defined above) be writing here more often than there has before. There will also be creative writing pieces published as I finish them. Those are the only promises I make.
Till Next We Meet